Difficult Decisions
by candi711
Summary: More so than most, Declan Murphy understood life was all about the choices one made. He recognized the world could be a dark and despicable place. He was once again reminded of these facts as he stood before the mother of his child, bound and left bare before a room full of traffickers. The only way to protect her would be to hurt her in the worst way possible.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of its characters.**

 **A/N: This twisted little story was born when I had a fever of 102 degrees Fahrenheit, who knows why my mind went to such dark places, I blame it on the medicine I was taking. Warning on harsh language used throughout and especially MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING, sexual assault depicted, not in too much detail but it's there. You have been forewarned. As usual I am dyslexic, so please forgive any spelling and grammar mistakes that fell through the cracks of spell check.**

Declan Murphy was by no means a religious man, he had seen too much of the world's horrors to believe in any form of higher power. That was until that moment. At the sight he saw before him, the seasoned undercover officer hoped and prayed with all of his might that this was just a nightmare. That the sight he saw in front of him was just another evil trick his mind liked to play, to punish him for all the wrong he had done in the name of something good.

His face was stoic and unemotional. His calm demeanor did not betray the raging emotions he felt inside when he first heard the news. His men had come to him in pride, they wanted their boss to be happy for the quick thinking they had pulled off when they had the opportunity. "Boss, you won't believe the score we just haled in" one of Declan's underlings, Trevor, had told him over the phone.

"Ya and what would that be" Declan sounded disinterested, he also had to sound in control.

"A cop" Trevor said with pride in his voice "but not just any cop a hot one from that unit that keeps busting up all of our rings, a smoking blonde"

"A fucking cop!" Declan yelled, using his underlings idiotic plan to direct his anger at. He feared who the woman they took was, for there were many police units that got in their way from vice all the way to SVU. At that thought his blood ran cold. It couldn't be her, he thought to himself. "A fucking cop!" he repeated "you thought it would be a great idea to kidnapped a cop and bring her to my compound only a day before I am to have the major heads of our ring over for a meeting"

"Sorry b..boss" Trevor stuttered at his boss's anger. "It was just such a good opportunity to show those pigs that we couldn't be stopped, that even they weren't safe from being broken down like the dogs they are"

Declan released an angry breath, of course this had to happen only a day before he was to take down this sex trafficking ring for good. He was so close to saving hundreds of girls from being sold. "Don't touch her until I get there" Declan ordered "I'll figure out how to handle this mess you've put us all in, but if you ever try to act without my orders again, I swear to god that I'll chop off your balls and force feed them to ya mother as you watch, understood" A rapid agreement was heard over the phone as Trevor tried to beg for his boss' mercy.

The trip back to the compound did not take long, but it was not soon enough for the seasoned UC officer. He hated to think that one of their own was, at that moment, at the mercy of some of the most ruthless men in New York City. He practically held his breath walking into the room, but upon seeing the woman before him he nearly forgot how to breath.

His heart dropped, and his blood began to boil. It took all of his control to not run and free the woman before him or even better, to not execute every man in that room. His feet finally began to work as he calmly made his way to the mattress on the floor, his training helping to keep in character. He stopped at the edge of the mattress, a mattress that was old and dirty, no place for any woman to ever lay on. It was pushed up against a wall were chains were attached to hold the struggling woman atop of it in place. When the woman saw Declan before her, her eyes widened in fear and hurt. He reached to hold her chin so he could look in her eyes, but she flinched at this motion.

Declan stood and turned to face his underlings in the room "So what was your brilliant plan" he questioned out loud and motioned behind him. "What exactly did you plan to do with her?, sell her on the street?"

"No" another voice spoke up, this one belonging to Shawn "We planned to use her for our own entertainment, film it ya know and send it back to her cop friends to prove that there's no messing with us" Declan scoffed at this plan. These men were not the brightest, they did not even consider the fact that by doing this they would have made their organization the sole target of the NYPD. But he had to handle this in the right way. He was less than 24 hours away from having all of his targets in one room, to be able to take down every single one of them in a single swift blow. He could not blow this, not even for her. But perhaps he could use this situation to his advantage, he hated what he was going to do.

"Very well, but I'll be the only one who touches this lass" Declan said to the men around him "she's mine ya hear"

"Yes sir" Trevor said in a nervous affirmative "had a feeling she'd be your type, boss" he finished as he grabbed a video camera from another one of the men in the room "ready when you are"

"Wait" The the young blonde police officer finally spoke as she managed to bite off the tape that once covered her mouth "You're all making a big mistake, you don't want to do this" she pleaded looking directly at Declan. "Please don't"

"It's not about wanting to do this, it's about having to do this" Declan said as he turned to face the young woman, bound and bare and tied to the bed "it's about sending a message to those friends of yours"

The seasoned UC officer looked down over the toned body of his captive. He didn't want to do this, he wished there was another way, but the only way to keep both of them safe was to play the part. 'Life was all about choices' Declan thought to himself, 'I pray I'm making the right one'. He couldn't help but notice the fear in her eyes, he never wanted to see her like this. Not the mother of his child, not Amanda.

Declan removed his pants until only his boxers were on the lower half of his body. He kneeled down over Amanda and ran his hands up and down her body, he had to put on a show for the men around him, he had to make it look believable. He roughly grabbed her head with his hands and spoke so everyone could hear "Don't worry lassy, you'll enjoy this I'm sure. I've been told I'm a beast in the sack" at this the other men around him laughed out at the crude joke.

While the others were distracted he leaned down and bit Amanda's ear, as he did this he whispered "I'll make this fast Amanda, we have no choice" and with no warning Declan thrust deep inside of the bound detective, the sudden shock causing her to scream out in pain. "Stop you're hurting me" she pleaded but it only caused those in the room to enjoy the show even more, the man assaulting her simply ignored her cries as he continued. To Amanda it seemed like the torture carried on forever, when in actuality it lasted no more than several minutes. It finally stopped when Declan released himself into Amanda's unprotected core.

When Declan finished he backed up to see the pain he had caused, this gave Trevor the opportunity to film a close up of the damage done to the young detective's body. Her wrists were bloody, her hips and thighs had bruises that were quickly forming and she appeared to be bleeding from between her legs. His heart broke at the sight, he could never forgive himself, but if this was the only way to ensure that she lived through this then so be it. He would gladly pay any price, even if it cost him his soul. Declan could not look away from her face, she peered straight at him, eyes releasing a torrent of tears down her cheeks.

"Give me the video" Declan ordered Trevor, the man quickly did as he was told "good, now everyone out. I still have some business with the little lady and I'd rather do this without an audience"

"Yes boss" they all answered as they headed out of the room "do you want me to take care of the message delivery" Shawn asked as he indicated to the video in Declan's hands.

"No, I think I'll take personal joy sending this message to the pigs myself" and with that Amanda and him were left in the room by themselves.

"Darlin" Declan breathed as he laid next to the exhausted blonde on the bed

"You have no right to call me that" Amanda said in a harsh whisper, she recognized the fact that she needed to remain quiet or else be overheard by the wrong people. "You have no right to ever talk to me , you're no cop just a trafficker now" she said as she turned her head away in disgust.

"You have to understand Amanda, they would have killed you if I didn't step in, now at least they won't touch you because they know you're mine" he tried to explain

"Wow thank you very much, I feel so grateful" Amanda bit out sarcastically, she was angry and hurt on so many levels she feared that she wouldn't be able to last any longer in the vulnerable position she was in "You could've done something, something that didn't lead to this"

"You don't understand" Declan breathed out "Everything is going down tomorrow, this whole operation is going to end, but I couldn't jeopardize that not with the lives of hundreds of girls on the line. Not even for you Amanda"

"Not even for me?" she repeated "You seemed content enough just a few moments ago when you were attacking me. You weren't acting anymore, you enjoyed it." she sobbed

"I had to make it look that way, The Bishop would hold no sympathy or hold back, especially for a cop" Declan tried to reason with her "just hold on Amanda, by tomorrow this will all be over" he leaned over and placed a soft kiss on her forehead, and grabbed her so that he was hugging her back in an almost protective embrace. "I hate you" she said as she tried to fight out of his hold, but her exhaustion coupled with the fact that her arms were still chained above her head caused her to give up, realizing the effort as useless.

"I'll take that hate, I'll take the hate of every cop in New York, as long as it means you can return back to Jesse when it's all over. I'll do whatever it takes, even become the devil himself"

* * *

It had been a long night for the SVU detectives. Carisi had received a frantic phone call from Amanda's nanny just before he went to bed. The babysitter explained how Amanda never made it home, and how this had never happened before, at least not without a heads up from the blonde. Carisi didn't even hesitate to jump into action, if there was one thing in this world Amanda would never fail at, it was being a mother to Jesse. For this reason he knew something was very wrong.

Carisi worked quickly to have his mother go to Amanda's apartment and pick up Jesse, he wouldn't be able to focus unless he was sure that the baby girl was safe from any unperceived threat. He then call all of his coworkers to meet him at the squad room, a fact they did not seem too keen on. That is until he told them that Amanda was missing.

The night had been a blur for the SVU detectives, they could find no real clue to the whereabouts of their missing coworker. Her cell phone was off so they couldn't trace it. Her car was found abandoned near the train tracks but there was no security cameras in the area to review. No witnesses to speak to, no clue as to what actually happened.

"Dammit" Carisi yelled as he hung up the phone with the uniformed officers who were still out canvassing the area in hopes of finding anything that could point in the direction of what exactly had happened to Rollins. The sun had already risen, bring forth a new day.

"Carisi, calm down" Benson said softly as she placed a concerned hand on the younger detective's shoulder "You're no good to anyone like this"

"Calm down?!" Carisi turned to yell at his lieutenant but then caught himself. He took a deep breath "I'm sorry Lu, I just can't help but be worried, she's been missing for at least eight hours and I can't stop thinking about all the things that she could be going through" He finished as he roughly sat down in his chair and rubbed his head vigorously, exhaustion evident in his demeanor.

"I know you care about her" Benson said with a sigh "we all do, but we're no good to her if we lose our temper" she knew how much Amanda meant to him. They tried to hide it but most in the office could tell that something was budding between the two detectives, even if they themselves were unaware of it.

"Copy that Lu, I'll keep it together from now on" Carisi said as he stood to get back to work, but before he could move any further he was interrupted by Fin entering the squad room.

"Hey Liv" Fin said loudly in order to get the attention of his superior officer "A kid just walked into the precinct not more than five minutes ago and dropped this off. He said he was payed to deliver this to you" he explained as he held up the small brown box for her to see.

"We don't really have time for this now, Fin, give it to one of the Unis to look over; we need to work on finding Amanda" Benson said in a rush, feeling the need to continue looking for her youngest detective as fast as possible.

"Ya but the kid said that he was told say Declan Murphy sent him" Fin interrupted

"Murphy?" Olivia questioned "Give me the box" she said as she reached for the item in Fin's hands. She quickly opened it and found a single flash drive along with a note. The note gave an address with that days date along with a time that would be reached in the next two hours. Benson flipped the note over and saw that in Murphy's handwriting it said 'There is no forgiving what I have done, but I will never regret it if my deeds can save her life. I am so sorry."

"What does this mean?" Carisi said as he looked over Olivia's shoulder

"I don't know but let's take a look at this flash drive" she said as she walked into her office followed by Fin and Carisi. She placed the drive into the computer and watched as a video began to play. It was of Declan explaining that the heads of the organization he had been working so hard to bring down would be gathered at the address he had given them. He told them that he needed their help. That Amanda needed their help. He signed off with the details of the bust, and said he hoped to see them soon.

The video screen turned black and the detectives looked amongst themselves in almost disbelief "So Declan has her?" Fin questioned "But why"

"We'll have to figure that out once we complete this bust of his" Benson said, happy to know that at least Amanda was with a friend at the moment. Her relief would be short lived as the screen came back to life. Declan was in a hurry when he made the video and was unaware that part of the attack was still on the flash drive. The SVU detectives looked out in horror as they saw the man they once called friend and ally mercilessly attacking their blonde colleague while she screamed out in pain and begged him to stop.

"Fuckin son of a bitch" Fin yelled as she saw his partner being violated "what the hell was that" he finished in anger slamming his hands down on the desk in front of him, breathing heavy in an attempt to control himself.

"Oh My God" Carisi exclaimed "he was hurting Amanda! I'm going to kill him. I swear to God, I'm going to kill him!"

"Hold on you two we need to think about this" Benson tried to reason. Her heart was breaking at what she had just saw but she knew that Murphy would not hurt Amanda like that, at least not unless he had a very good reason "the note" she reminded them "he said he was sorry for what he did but it was in order to save her life. We don't have all of the facts"

"What more facts do I need" Fin yelled clenching his fists, images of his partner crying out now flashing through his mind "he was hurting her, she was begging him to stop. You don't do that"

"He gave us an address" Carisi broke in with a frighteningly calm voice "lets check it out and get Amanda back" he said but then his voice became darker "but if she asks me to kill him, I swear to God I will"

"One moment at a time boys" Benson said as she began to gather her things around her. She herself having a difficult time processing this latest revelation, but she could not let her anger consume her, not at that moment. Amanda needed them to bring their A game, any lashing out would have to wait until she was safe. "lets focus on getting them both back safely and then we can decide on what to do with Declan Murphy"

* * *

Amanda awoke with confusion. She tried to sit up but was stopped by the restraints around her wrists. Her breath hitched in her throat as she remembered the previous night. She looked down to realize that she was still in nothing but her birthday suit, but at least she was covered by a blanket. A blanket she assumed that Declan had placed on her after she fell asleep. It was not easy to sleep in the condition she was in, her body was still throbbing from the previous night's torture, but exhaustion and betrayal had compounded together to make her lose consciousness.

Amanda could hear the distant sound of voices coming from elsewhere in the compound. She could not make out what they were saying but she could tell they were all men's voices. The blonde remembered what Declan had told her the other day, that all of his targets would be in the building that day. Amanda just hoped that this meant help would be arriving soon, she didn't think she could stand being in such a vulnerable position for much longer. Although she dreaded the thought of her team finding her in such a state.

The door to the room slowly opened and the young blonde froze. She pretended to be asleep as she heard someone walk closer to the mattress she was held on "hey blondie, ya awake" a voice she knew was not Declan's said as he kneeled down on the bed "I know ya are it's no use pretending" he said quickly as he pulled back the blanket. Amanda finally saw who her new tormenter was, Trever.

"Wait! I thought your boss said only he could touch me" she said in a rush trying to remind the man that she was supposed to be off limits

"What he doesn't know won't hurt him" he smirked as he undressed "besides you're too smoken to just leave to one man" he said as he straddled her

Amanda tried to buck him off but it was no use. She turned her head and closed her eyes, she just wanted to be anywhere else in the world but there. Just as she thought it was all over, loud noises could be heard throughout the compound, some sort gunfire but then it became relatively quiet. It must be the raid she thought.

"What the hell?" Trevor yelled still on top of the blonde

"looks like my reinforcements have come" Amanda smirked. This angered the man on top of her and he began to choke her out of anger as he called her a bitch. At that moment the door to the room burst open and Amanda could hear voices yelling as she lost consciousness.

"NYPD freeze" Carisi yelled as he entered the room followed by several S.W.A.T members closely behind him "get off of her!" he yelled as he saw what was happening before him. Trevor did not stop however and Carisi did not hesitate to fire his weapon to make him. The man fell into a dead pile beside the blonde as Carisi ran to her side. "Amanda! Amanda" he yelled as he tried to feel for a pulse. He found one and breathed a little better, but his worry was still evident on him. He did not like the state she was in, bloodied, bruised, and now unconscious. "I'm here, Amanda. I'm so sorry it took so long but I'm here now"

The rest of the raid went down smoothly, everyone was taken to the one six for questioning, except Amanda who was taken to Mercy Hospital to have her wounds looked at.

* * *

Murphy sat in an interrogation room waiting to be talked to. He knew that the SVU detectives probably knew what he had done to Amanda by now. He still did not regret his decision, in his mind it was still the only choice he had.

Behind the glass window Benson stood watching the man who at one point saved not just her badge but Amanda's as well. The thought of the blonde detective sent waves of emotion coursing through her, anger and near hatred directed at Murphy, sympathy for Amanda, and guilt for herself that she was unable to find her missing detective in time to prevent all of this from happening. She took a deep breath. Olivia knew that sooner or later she needed to confront the man she once considered her friend about his actions.

The door to the interrogation room slowly opened and Olivia walked in holding a file. Declan's file. "I never imagined we would be meeting in these circumstances Murphy" Olivia said with regret in her voice, she knew that deep down he was still a good man, a good cop, but actions have consequences.

"I'm not too surprised" Declan said as he looked at his former colleague "You know how it is being UC, if you don't get out you'll either end up dead or on the other side of the law" he chuckled without humor in his voice "I just wish I could have ended up dead instead"

Olivia watched his demeanor. She had no doubt that he regretted hurting Amanda in such a way, but she couldn't help to wonder if there really wasn't another option. "Why did you let it go that far Declan?" she questioned

"I had the opportunity to end that dammed organization in one fell swoop, but I couldn't get Amanda out of there unscathed at the same time" he explained "I chose the larger amount, one woman for the lives of hundreds" he said this with no joy in his face.

"So you sacrificed my detective so your case would come out on top" Olivia said unable to hide the anger in her voice

"I made the best possible decision I could in that situation" Declan explained, with no real interest in defending himself, he knew he was guilty of whatever she wanted to charge him with. He was just determined to make her understand that the choice was not an easy one. He did not just sacrifice Amanda without thought. "You don't understand. The absolute last thing in the world I wanted to do was hurt Amanda"

"But that's the thing Declan" Benson cut him off "you did hurt her, you hurt her in the worst possible way" she stood to pace the room a bit. She feared that if she remained too close to the man before her she would end up punching him. "we saw the video, God you made a video of her rape. What do you think that's going to do to her" she nearly yelled "we heard her begging you to stop but you didn't, your friends were just laughing in the background"

"Stop" he yelled "don't you think I know that. I will never be forgiven, I get that, I accept that, but don't you dare for one moment think that I wanted to rape the mother of my child. To have others there watching, I made a decision and I will pay the consequences. Arrest me." he finished with his hands in the air ready to be taken to booking, but Olivia was caught on something he said moments ago.

"Mother of your child?" she questioned "Jesse" Olivia looked almost horrified "you're Jesse's father?"

"She never told you?" Declan replied "Makes sense, I guess. I mean look what happens when I have the people I love around me"

Olivia could not believe it, out of all of the possibilities, she would have never guessed Declan Murphy to be Jesse's father. Her father just raped her mother. At that moment Olivia held great sympathy for the unsuspecting child.

"Can we just end this" Declan said, breaking into Olivia's thoughts. "I'm tired, I'm guilty. There's really no point in this song and dance. Arrest me for rape, I confess"

* * *

Carisi sat at the side of Amanda's bed, unmoving. He was determined to stay there until she awakened. Several nurses had come and tried to convince him to take a break and eat something, but nothing was going to break his vigil. He reached out and grabbed ahold of the sleeping blonde's hand. He rubbed it between his own trying to convey his presence to the unconscious woman. He would periodically kiss the back of her hand. He simply wanted to be as close to her as humanly possible. To never let her out of his sight again.

"Amanda, I'm so sorry" Carisi said aloud as he once again kissed her hand "I can't help but feel like this is all my fault, maybe if I had just invited you over for diner or offered you a ride... something. This might not have happened" he finished with tears falling from his eyes. In his mind he had failed the blonde. He was unable to keep her safe. He could not help but replay the images from that damn video over and over again in his head.

"It's not your fault Carisi" Amanda whispered as she looked over at him

Carisi's head instantly popped up at the sound of her voice, a sudden smile forming on his lips "Amanda, oh my God. You're awake!" he exclaimed squeezing tighter around her hand.

"Ow Carisi, lighten up your grip. You're hurting me" Amanda said with a slight squint to her face. Her whole body was sore and she felt as if just a little pressure was to much right now.

"I'm so sorry" he begged her forgiveness

"It's okay, I know you would never do anything to hurt me" she said with an almost broken voice. Amanda, ever the independent woman was still trying to act tough in front of others.

"It's not okay" Carisi said with slight anger in his voice "none of this is okay, this whole situation is fucked up" he could not help the tears freely streaming down his face. "please Amanda be angry at him show some emotion, don't try to hold it all in for my sake. Please"

Amanda looked at him for several long moments. He was right. At that moment she was tired of trying to keep herself composed. She blinked and a single tear ran down her cheek, then another one and another one and another one. Soon she couldn't help but let loose the floodgates behind her eyes. "Shit" she breathed as she tried to wipe them away but Carisi stopped her and kissed her hand again.

"It's okay to not be okay Amanda, it's okay to cry, to scream. To want to lash out" Carisi explained as he stroked the side of her face "Whatever emotion you want to express I won't judge you, heck I'll probably join in" he chuckled softly at his own words. "just tell me what you want me to do, I will not think any less of you if you cry, Amanda. I love you" those three words slipped out before he could even catch himself, but he did not regret saying them. If anything, he learned that life was unexpected and he could not take the risk of keeping his feeling secret any longer.

Amanda stared at him for several long moments. "I... I... I'm sorry Carisi, I just don't know what to say about my emotional state right now" Amanda breathed, she really did care for him, she could probably say she loved him too, but right then she was weighed down by so many emotions she had a hard time even thinking.

"It's okay Amanda the last thing I want is to put you on the spot, especially right now" Carisi said in understanding

"Can you do me a favor though" Amanda asked a bit nervous

"Anything, just name it" Carisi said with sincerity

"Can you just lay here and hold me?" Amanda blushed at this, she needed to feel safe and at that moment the only thing that could do that was his embrace. She didn't even have to say another word, Carisi quickly but gently laid next to the blonde and held her close. She buried her head in his chest and whispered a thank you before she fell back asleep.

 **A/N: I fill like this story jumped around a lot LOL. Again I did not plan for it to end in Rolisi but it just happened, I can't help but feel that their relationship is just natural. Sorry for any Declan fans, I kind of made him a semi-bad guy. He was really trying to do what was right but in the end he made a decision that cost him everything. He always seemed to me the type that would do whatever it takes to get the job done, even if it meant muddying the waters a bit. Please tell me what you thought of this story.**


End file.
